I’m not sure how to begin, where to begin or what I want to say in this post but let’s take this one sentence at a time! Turning 30.. Scary number if you ask me. I never in my life till now had a problem with my age. It’s just a number anyways! But 30 has a different sound, a different feeling. it is probably the fact that I had so many things in my mind that I wanted to achieve at this age and I’m not even close to half of them! When I was 18 I stupidly set some goals and timelines on all the things I wanted to achieve, like my dream job, get married and start a family by the age of 30. And I say stupidly because all of these now cause me a huge amount of stress. Don’t get me wrong, setting goals is great and all but setting timelines is not that much. The past month I had panic attacks, I cried, I had stress and all these for what? Because I’m turning 30.. Because I’m not as successful as I wanted to be.. Because at this point I don’t even think about having children.. So many reasons to be stressed about and at the end I miss the point. You might have your plans but life has its plans too and sometimes they don’t align with yours.
So, I’m almost 30 but in my mind I’m not as successful as I wanted to be and I punish myself for that. What I miss though is the fact that I have my dream job! I moved to a new country at the age of 25, I started from zero and yes I might not be as successful as I was planning to be but every single year I’m better than the previous one. What I want to point out here is that most of the times we are very hard on ourselves without giving us credits on how far we’ve come. I noticed that I’m always rooting for my family and friends, even for the smallest achievement, but when it comes to myself nothing is ever good enough. I beat my own self down. Not sure why though. For any achievement I have accomplished up until now I say to myself well that’s ok but you could do better. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me! I keep comparing myself to others (HUGE MISTAKE), without knowing their story, how they started or how much they fought to achieve what they have. I only see that they are more successful than me and I keep belittling myself. At least my family and friends are rooting for me and remind me constantly that I’m doing great! I’m very confident in general and I believe that I deserve everything I have worked for but it’s like my self is never satisfied with the goals I have achieved and always want more and more. I’m happy for a day or two after I reach a goal and then I forget how hard I worked for it and say to myself “yes but you could do even better”. It’s a blessing and a curse at the same time! I always strive for more but at the same time I can never fully appreciate how far I’ve come.
And don’t get me started with marriage and family. When I was younger I wanted to get married very much, I even had a plan on the pre-wedding party, how I would go to the church, how many guests I would have and how big the wedding would be. But now I don’t even feel that I need to get married! Alex and I are together for seven years and we live together from the first week of our relationship. We share everything and basically live like a married couple. I think of him as my family and I don’t need any paper to prove it. So if I get married it would only be for the party, the wedding dress and the better taxes, haha!
Now children are another huge subject.. probably bigger than my career, haha! First of all let me clarify that I do want children. Preferably two but I don’t want them now! I don’t think that at this point in my life I would be able to handle a child with everything that comes with it. From the psychological pressure to the economical one. And you know what? I still feel like a kid so I’m not sure I can raise one, haha! Alex and I talked about it many times and we both agree that until we are both stable with our work there is no point to start a family. We want to give our everything to our children when and if they come. I know a lot of people say have the child and you will figure it out but in my case this will only cause me more anxiety, stress and panic attacks! I can have these by myself, I don’t need extra help, thank you very much, haha! But although I know that I don’t want children at the moment I keep thinking what if it’s too late when I want to have children? Or will I ever be ready to have them? What if I am not able to get pregnant? And a lot of other related questions which I’m not gonna write down if I want this post to have a reasonable length!
These are all my concerns about turning 30. I’ve imagined my 30th birthday more fancy, with all my friends and family or at least in New York with Alex and Simos! Actually that was our plan before the pandemic! We even booked a hotel in New York for the end of summer. Luckily with free cancellation as we had to cancel that! So you can imagine my disappointment for this year’s birthday, haha! For sure I would never imagine turning 30 in the middle of a pandemic but at least we will have a great story to tell in the future! Let me know in the comments if you have/had the same feeling when you turned 30, I need a little support here 😛
In view of my birthday next Monday I’ve decided to do a 15 years style evolution video for my YouTube channel! From the clothes, to the poses, to my comments I guarantee you that it doesn’t disappoint at all, haha! You can watch that below!
